Itachi and the Jinchuriki
by Nara Merald
Summary: Sequel to Itachi of the Caribbean. Sakura, Kakashi and Kisame go on a Jinchuriki hunt. Crackfic!


Summary: Sequel to Itachi of the Caribbean. Sakura, Kakashi and Kisame go on a Jinchuriki hunt.

Warnings: Extremely offensive. Extremely ridiculous. Extremely only-likely-to-make-sense-if-you're-on-cocaine.  
You absolutely need to read Itachi of the Caribbean before reading this.

**Itachi and the Jinchuriki**  
Team 7, or Team 7.5 as they were now known much to Sasuke's dismay, were sitting around Ichiraku's Ramen Bar.  
Already in a bad mood, Sasuke swore under his breath when he saw not only was Naruto late, his doppleganger was with them (hence the '.5').

"Hey... which Sasuke are you?" Kakashi asked cavalierly.  
"The REAL Sasuke" Sasuke ground his teeth.  
"It's hard to tell you and the other one apart," Kakashi explained rather reasonably.  
"The 'other Sasuke" is a porcupine with a MASK OF MY FACE!" Sasuke yelled.  
"No need to shout Sasuke-kun. Besides, I don't know why you're complaining. He has far better client satisfaction reviews than you do," Sakura commented.  
The porcupine made a snorting noise and continued snuffling down its ramen through the mask's eye-hole.  
"Hey Bastard! Hey Porcupine-Bastard!" Naruto cried, flagging down Teuchi.  
" .unbelievable." Sasuke growled.

"Oh there's that other Ino. There's got to be two of them too," Sakura mused, waving to the blonde wearing an extremely tight dress.  
"Two Inos?!" Kakashi shuddered as the blonde waved back.  
"Yeah. I mean, I've been working with one at the hospital and then saw the other one training when I left. And I checked… they'd been training all day," Sakura informed them.  
"And no one finds this suspicious?" Sasuke asked incredulously.  
"Probably another porcupine," Naruto decided wisely.  
"Seriously?" Sasuke threw his hands up in disbelief.  
"Look, you've really got to get over this replacement-hate Sasuke. First it was Sai, then it was your porcupine, now Ino's? Let it go Sasuke-kun…" Sakura informed him sadly as Sai sped up to them.  
"Akatsuki's been seen in Konoha, everyone is on alert," he informed them.  
"What? Who?" yelled Naruto, getting into a heroic pose.  
"Kisame," Sai said, as everyone except Naruto sat back down.

"What are you doing? C'mon guys? Let's get him!" Naruto was raring to go.  
"It's Kisame... I don't think we have anything to worry about," Kakashi stated confidently.  
"Based on what information?" Sasuke challenged him.  
"None whatsoever," Kakashi replied leaning back leisurely.  
"I kind of like him," added Sakura.  
"What? Man, Sasuke-bastard, you're coming with me too aren't you?!" Naruto cried.  
The porcupine wearing the Sasuke-mask looked at Naruto and shuffled a bit.  
"Oh, sorry porcupine-bastard, I meant the other Sasuke," Naruto looked slightly embarrassed.  
"Let's just go!" A furious Sasuke dragged Naruto off, glaring at the porcupine. Sai followed, shrugging.

A few seconds later, Kisame popped up from under the table.  
"Hey guys," Kisame took Naruto's vacant seat.  
"'Sup," Sakura replied nonchalantly.  
Kisame ordered a drink, not looking at all bothered by the apparent search parties out for his blood. For that matter, Sakura, Kakashi and Porcupine-Sasuke didn't look particularly bothered either.  
"Whatcha doing here Kisa?" Sakura clicked her glass with his, both of them downing it in one shot.  
"Looking for Jinchuriki…." Kisame admitted blithely.  
"Man, you know that's not our thing," Sakura replied, annoyed.  
"Sometimes I wonder why…" Kakashi muttered as they heard Naruto yelling at Sasuke half a village away. Kisame snorted quietly as a thought occurred to Kakashi.  
"Can you take Sasuke?" Kakashi asked hopefully.  
The porcupine with the Sasuke mask did a good imitation of a glare.  
"Not you," Kakashi sighed, as Porcupine-Sasuke waddled off in a huff.  
"That is getting kind of annoying…" Sakura mused, "but anyway, you can't take the one I love away!"  
"Fine, fine. We'll leave your "loved one"," Kisame agreed, before muttering to himself "…even if it would be a kindness…"  
"So we'll leave Naruto… you coming with?" Kisame asked them. Kakashi and Sakura looked at each other and gave a nod. Konoha life was a little boring lately…

"Hey, Deidara!" Kisame called out suddenly. Across the road, Ino paused before making her way over to them.  
"Oh…." Sakura nodded in understanding.  
"Fuck… I thought I'd gotten away with it, yeah," Deidara sulked.  
"You defected?" Kisame questioned with some surprise, before remembering he hadn't seen Deidara in Akatsuki headquarters lately.  
"You didn't notice I was gone?" Deidara seemed outraged.  
"Well, we didn't really notice you were here, so fair's fair," Kakashi defended Kisame.  
"You didn't notice I was here?!" Deidara wasn't any happier with this revelation.  
"You do look an awful lot like a porcupine with an Ino-mask," Sakura informed him, before ordering a jug of Sake. She gave Deidara a cup to help him get over the indignity.

"Hey, remember that time we were on the island?" Deidara recalled nostalgically, sipping the sake.  
"Flashback," Kakashi whispered.  
"Yeah, I thought we'd never get off," Sakura nodded matter of factly.  
"How did those other people get back to Konoha? You know, the ones who disappeared?" Kisame inquired, sipping his sake elegantly.  
"According to Tenten, it was easy enough…" Sakura said grouchily.  
"And I quote 'I was like ew, fishbone, and teleported away. And then I thought hey, why don't I just teleport off the island? I _am_ a silly billy!'" Kakashi imitated Tenten in what was possibly the worst impression ever.  
"I wish I'd known that before I ate Madara's eyes," Sakura grumbled.  
"Oh ew, ew," Deidara cringed. Kisame was looking a little squeamish too.  
"I saw what you ate Deidara, you really can't talk," Kisame muttered. Deidara blushed.

~*~ Flashback to the island at the end of "Itachi of the Caribbean".~*~

"We're going to die here…" Sakura whined.  
"So you've said…. 1000 times," Kakashi looked annoyed.  
"It's not so bad…" Kisame said, watching Itachi who was trying to unobtrusively make his way through the forest. It wasn't working well for him, he kept bumping into trees and then thinking they were Nin attacking him.  
"Where's he going anyway?" Sakura asked curiously.  
"Blind," fake-coughed Kakashi and they all snickered before silence reigned again.  
"I'm-" Sakura began, before glancing at Kakashi's too-calm face and thinking the better of finishing the sentence with 'bored'.  
"Hey Kisame… can you do me a favour?" Sakura batted her eyelashes at Kisame before giving a little "It's sooo hot!" moan and pushing out her chest to entice him.  
"Sakura, I know you like to eat people but even if he impregnates you now it's going to be a good 9 months before dinner's ready…" Kakashi gave one of his crinkle-eyed smiles.  
"I want a raft," Sakura glared at Kakashi then watched in satisfaction as Kisame gathered the pieces of wood from the former pirate ship. It took him just under 3 hours to build a reasonable raft, and soon enough he was standing proudly before Sakura.

"Ten dollars says we can put Itachi on there and tell him it's the patched up pirate ship," Sakura motioned to the small raft.  
Kakashi rolled his eyes as if to say "duh" but looked intrigued at the chance of action.  
"I don't know…" Kisame began warily.  
"I don't know if he'd believe you're with him when you _push him off alone_!" Kakashi added on and Sakura high-fived him.  
"You want me to tell my partner that the raft made from driftwood is a fixed and seaworthy ship, and pretend I'm on the raft with him then push him out to sea?" Kisame asked incredulously. Sakura and Kakashi nodded.

"Kisame, this boat seems smaller…" Itachi looked discomfited.  
"Uh… it's not?" Kisame offered unconvincingly.  
"Very well. You shall steer," Itachi ordered, before pointing straight ahead of him and holding the pose. Kisame hesitated, unwilling to push his partner out to sea. Kakashi and Sakura were giving him a giant "thumbs up" from the beach.  
"Kisame… this ship isn't moving…" Itachi warned in a low voice.  
"Okay, I'm getting on now!" Kisame pretended and gave the raft a hearty shove away. He watched as the raft was taken up by the current and the last thing they saw was Itachi, pointing heroically in a random direction, outlined by the sunset.

~*~ Return to present ~*~

"No way, you put Itachi on a raft? Suicide wish yeah?" Deidara gaped at them.  
"How did that turn out?" Kakashi asked curiously.  
"Oh he got back alright. Later than us, of course, took him an extra week or 2 but he ended up on shore and I went and picked him up," Kisame informed them.  
"Didn't he figure out you weren't on there?" Deidara wondered.  
"Nope. All he said was, 'Kisame, you were very quiet on that trip'."  
All of them sat for a while, musing on that.  
"Well… what did you guys do then?" Deidara questioned.

~*~ Back on the island… ~*~

"Sasuke's finally woken up…" Kakashi mentioned, as they played their 19th game of 'Can we spot Itachi on the horizon or is that just a mirage?'.  
"Sakura! Where's my arm?!" Sasuke cried, outraged that she hadn't treated him.  
Sakura looked at the arm next to her, forgotten for a little too long. "Finders Keepers!" She announced brightly.  
"What?! That's my ARM!" Sasuke stomped his foot.  
"Well, you went and got it cut off and now it's _my_ arm," Sakura picked it up with only mild distaste before bringing it over with her.  
"Kakashi!" Sasuke growled.  
"Oh don't let me spoil your fun," Kakashi smiled pacifyingly, before watching the show. Kisame looked mildly disturbed, yet also amused.  
"What are you going to do with it?" Sasuke asked scornfully.  
"What _won't_ I do with it?" Sakura replied belligerently, swatting Sasuke in the face with his own (cut off) hand. Sasuke's eyes started to turn red, and Sakura swatted him in the face again.  
"Damn it Sakura!" Sasuke yelped.

~*~ And in the present…~*~

"You're a fucked up woman, yeah," Deidara said respectfully, and Sakura blushed with pride.  
"Anyways basically I used Sasuke's arm to train up this bird. The arm made a great perch for it, and you should have seen how pissed off he was when the bird shat all over his arm…" Everyone had a bit of a chuckle at that.  
"When the bird was trained we took the bit of Madara's back we'd been saving… his skin you know, a fine leather by that stage… and I brought Sasuke's arm back to life and we used the blood to write a note to Tsunade. Finally she and Shikamaru designed a Jutsu that brought the whole group of us back."  
"Brought me back too, though luckily they disguised me as Neji and we used some palm fronds as long hair," Kisame recalled matter-of-factly.  
"They honestly believed that you- with palm fronts on your head- were Hyuga Neji?!" Deidara gaped openly.  
"Well, no, they didn't. Not at all. Had to make a quick getaway there," Kisame winced.  
"Didn't they ask you?" Deidara questioned the Konoha nin.  
"Oh yeah. But we pretended Sasuke had vouched for him and he was all confused because Sakura had just reattached his arm. It was a bit mouldy by that stage; fair bit of blood poisoning," Kakashi explained reasonably.  
"I see…" Deidara commented in a voice that said he didn't see at all.

"Anyways… so where are we going to find these Jinchuriki?" Sakura asked Kisame curiously.  
"IN YOUR PANTS!" winked Kakashi, doing a little thrusting motion with his hips.  
Sakura just rolled her eyes, but then, glancing suspiciously around, she slid her hands down her pants to check, feeling around for a few minutes.  
"Ooh…" Kisame looked interested.  
"If you're done getting yourself off…" Kakashi yawned.  
"Yeah, yawning… that's what I was doing while you were 'making love' to me in that porno film," Sakura glared.  
"OH!" Kisame crowed.  
"Are we doing another porno?" Deidara asked hopefully, ignored by all.

"Seriously, where are we looking?" Sakura repeated herself.  
"Well, I don't know, but what the fuck is that up there?" Deidara pointed to the Hokage monument. All of them strained their eyes, squinting to see past the sun.  
Kisame sighed.  
"I recognise that silhouette!" Sakura crowed.  
"But is it a mirage?" Kakashi questioned earnestly.  
Kisame actually considered the question for a few moments before looking angrily at them.  
"Shit, yeah…" Deidara muttered despondently.  
"Come on, you'll be fine!" Sakura dragged a reluctant Deidara along as he approached Uchiha Itachi on the top of the Hokage mountain, pointing heroically into the sun.

"Don't worry, he couldn't even tell the difference between his brother and a porcupine!" Sakura reminded him.  
Deidara brightened minutely.  
"To be fair… sometimes I can't tell the difference," Kakashi didn't seem to feel any guilt over this revelation.  
"Well, one of them is a real jerk," Kisame offered.  
"Yes, the Sasuke of my memories is the quiet achiever," Kakashi mused nostalgically. Sakura looked at Kakashi weirdly, mentally substituting "quiet achiever" for "sullen achiever" but said nothing as they began the trek.

As they approached the top of the Hokage monument, Itachi, without moving, ordered "Halt! Introduce yourselves."  
"Well, I'm…" Began Kisame.  
"Stop! I know who you are!" Itachi stared slightly to the left of them, imperiously, impressing no one. Sakura, Deidara and Kakashi gave each other a look as if to say "Well if you knew who we were…" and Kisame just shrugged.  
Itachi then focused on Deidara, disconcertingly actually looking at his face. Sakura started to worry. Deidara started to pray for his life.  
"I see you still have a penchant for attracting harlots, Kisame," Itachi stated coldly in Kisame's general direction as Sakura bristled. He turned back to Deidara and added "Praying won't help you knowing where you've been," with a distasteful sniff, as Sakura, understanding, tried unsuccessfully to disguise a snort of laughter.  
"Excuse m-" Deidara began, before being cut off by Sakura stamping on his foot.  
"Shh, _Ino_," Sakura hissed as Kakashi added "I'll still sleep with you!" with a wink.  
"Ew, Kakashi-sensei! Who knows where that's been?" Sakura whispered, before realizing Deidara heard and signaling that she was 'just going along with the cover'.

"Explain your presence in my home," Itachi ordered imperiously.  
"Ooh… not really sure… that you um… live-here-anymore," Sakura finished in a rush.  
"I _said_ explain your presence!" Itachi repeated loudly. Kisame was the first to cave.  
"We… uh… really should have taken our shoes off before we entered?" Kisame offered hesitantly.  
Kakashi gave him a "What?!" look, before shrugging and adding "Does this mean I have to put on my pants?", followed by a whispered "_Pantsssss"._  
"It is fine," Itachi replied. "I too choose not to adorn myself with unnecessary garments."  
4 pairs of eyes shot straight to Itachi's groinal region with varying expressions.  
"Oh! Look at that!" Sakura cried loudly. "I dropped something!"  
Deidara looked jealous that he hadn't thought of the idea first. Kisame face palmed.  
Sakura bent down, craning her neck, trying to see under the Akatsuki cloak.  
"So, whatcha doin'?" Kakashi asked, trying to ignore Sakura's disturbing treasure hunt.  
"I am seeking my foolish little brother," Itachi declared the obvious yet again.  
"Damn," Sakura grouched softly, obviously unable to see under his cloak. Deidara sneered at her triumphantly. Not to be outdone, Sakura stuck her tongue out at Deidara. Kakashi felt a headache coming on.  
"Which one of the three?" Kakashi asked Itachi, as Sakura began to edge closer.  
"Back off bitch!" Deidara growled quietly, deciding to try a new tack.

"My…three… brothers…" Itachi slowly seemed to consider this idea.  
"Oh yes, Sasuke, Sasuke and Sai," Kakashi was of course, referring to the Porcupine Sasuke, wondering what Itachi would make of this sudden brotherly acquisition.  
"It's pretty hot… isn't it?" Deidara butted in. Itachi ignored him and Sakura, who was now only centimetres away from him.  
"Yes… I plan to visit all of my … three… foolish brothers," Itachi confirmed slowly, clearly trying to work out who the second Sasuke and Sai were.  
"So hot I wish I could _take off all of my clothes…_" Deidara continued, eyes flickering to Sakura who was carefully lifting up the bottom of Itachi's Akatsuki cloak.  
Itachi moved as if to look down and with a squeak, Sakura outright dove under his cloak, between his legs. There was a second, muffled sqeak. Kakashi sighed quietly.  
"Damn," Deidara's eyes narrowed but he ploughed on, undeterred.  
"Perhaps the Akatsuki cloak is an… 'unneccessary adornment'," Deidara suggested.  
"So who will you visit first?" Kisame said, for the sake of saying something.  
"My brother… Sai?" Itachi finished the comment on a questioning note.  
"Yep, Sai," Kakashi confirmed the pronunciation.  
"Congratulations Itachi, I didn't know you had other brothers," Kisame smiled, looking inappropriately menacing for the occasion.  
"You only know what I wish for you to know," Itachi stated, undeservingly superiorly. Sakura poked her head out from underneath his cloak, giving them a big thumbs up.  
"Let me take your cloak off…" Deidara purred, into full 'Ino' mode.  
"I do not wish to pay for your services," Itachi informed Deidara, who turned red with indignation. Kisame choked back laughter. Kakashi, meanwhile, was wondering how Sakura was going to get out, but his question was quickly answered.

Sakura clumsily rolled out sideways with a quiet "Cha!", throwing all subtlety to the wind and knocking the bottom of Itachi's cloak up violently.  
"A brisk breeze from the east," Itachi commented, turning his face away from Sakura, who having gained an unfortunate amount of momentum, continued rolling.  
Kakashi winced, trying to pretend that it wasn't his student making a horrendous blunder out of several important Shinobi techniques.  
Sakura continued rolling, precariously close to the edge of the Hokage monument, before toppling over with a drawn out "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"  
"Listen to it howl," Itachi continued almost poetically. Deidara snickered.  
"Well… we'll see ourselves out, shall we then?" Kakashi asked politely.  
"I was beginning to think you were oblivious to my hints," Itachi commented uncharitably. Vaguely offended, Kakashi, Deidara, Kisame and a sprinting-to-catch-up Sakura stepped on to the road and headed out of Konoha as Itachi headed in.

**Fin-** for now...

**Authors' Notes:  
**This took quite a while and is a rather larger undertaking than was originally planned.

Actual Conversation:  
Crimson Feline: I like the Sasuke, Sai, Porcupine Sasuke brother-thing. You know, Sai doesn't really speak much, playing into the whole Sai-Itachi brother thing. Neither does the porcupine…  
Nara Merald: Well, it does sort of snuffle…  
Crimson Feline: But the non-speaking… Sai, The Porcupine, Itachi… it's so plausible!


End file.
